Sitting with Your Feelings: A Path to Better Communication
Have you ever noticed that if you sit with a feeling long enough—without judgment—it starts to shift?
When we experience emotions like anger, frustration, or resentment, there are often deeper feelings beneath them. In psychology, we talk about primary and secondary emotions. Secondary emotions, like anger, are often the ones we express outwardly. But beneath that anger, there might be something more vulnerable—hurt, embarrassment, rejection, or sadness.
The challenge is that we tend to attach stories to our emotions. When someone upsets us, our minds might say:
They don’t care about me.
I’m not a priority to them.
This is unfair. This shouldn’t be happening.
These stories shape our reactions and can disrupt our sense of equilibrium. Instead of responding from a place of curiosity and openness, we react with judgment, criticism, or anger. And when we lead with anger, the other person often responds with defensiveness—putting up walls instead of working toward understanding.
But what happens when we pause and sit with our feelings?
Instead of reacting, we can tune in to the root emotion and communicate from that place. Consider these two ways of expressing the same frustration:
"You never consider my feelings. You only think about yourself!" (Likely to trigger defensiveness)
"I feel uncared for when my needs aren’t considered. I want to feel like I matter to you." (More likely to open a meaningful conversation)
When we speak from a place of vulnerability instead of blame, people are more receptive. They hear us instead of feeling attacked.
So, the next time you're feeling overwhelmed by an emotion, try this:
Sit with it. Instead of reacting, pause and notice what’s underneath the surface.
Drop the judgment. Emotions aren’t good or bad—they just are.
Identify the core feeling. Is it rejection? Hurt? Fear?
Communicate from that place. Share your feelings in a way that invites understanding, not conflict.
Give yourself the care you’re seeking. Sometimes, the reassurance we crave from others is something we can give to ourselves.
Take some time to reflect. Journal about it. Try it in a conversation and see what shifts. When we stop reacting and start responding with self-awareness, we create space for connection, healing, and more successful communication.
If you need more tools to communicate effectively, reach out and seek support at admin@counselnature.com
